I have discovered that i thrive on the chaotic and the disruptive, the dark and the ugly.

 

It's not like some satanic-wannabe giving all hail to a dark entity, when in reality the darkness would neuter their mind like the lamb they are.

 

I need chaos and change, i need it dark and dirty and toxic and vile. I need it where everyone sais and does what they want, fuck the barbs and spears. I can't respect a man -or woman- who doesn't say what he or she means and hides what they think.

 

It's hard to really get across the feelings i get, like when i see some things, like the cold, empty, graceful lust that comes unbidden at the sight of a dilapidated building in disrepair, or the allyway next to it, full of darkness and the conjured nightmares passers-by concieve in its depths...

 

Rainy and cold and stormy and harsh, bitter and twisted and blue-blooded and violent...i need it all. And it's hard to tell if you find someone else who needs it too, and therein lies the lure to look.

Feeling somewhat like a man standing in the middle of a deserted highway in the middle of the desert, and the only mark of civilisation in sight is a dusty road-sign with an upwards-pointing arrown on it.

 

Needless to say i'd follow the arrow if i thought there WAS anything in that direction, but im not sure what's in any direction, they all look as bad as each other, and for the 1st time in my life, there's no-one there to tell me which direction i should take. It's very discombobulating, to say the least.

 

Whats more, it feels very much like the desert is expanding at an alarming rate, and the space between me and my friends is getting more expansive by the minute.

 

I'm not positive that sorta thing is supposed to happen, but it's not like i can remember any past lives to take a benchmark from...I didn't think i was standoffish or harsh, but maybe i do alienate myself a little. Man, i wish i knew how to NOT be me all the time...

 

I might be sexy and devilish and vile and charming and quick-witted and a demon in several sacks simultaeously, but that doesn't prove i have anything in common with the common man, or even prove that the qualities i DO have (modesty included ) are even WORTH having.

 

I just wish everyone would stop moving furthur away from me, it's...confusing....

 

HOWEVER, it's probably beyond my measily mortal ability to control anyway, so why complain, huh? just let sleeping dogs lie...

 

I've always liked that expression, heh...

 

But i mean, what the FUCK! what, dont i exist!? Am i that fucking easily forgotten (username taken into account here)!? FUUUCK!! AGH! *kick* *stamp* RAAAR!

 

I just can't tell you how much i...AGH! goddamn! *tears shit up* FUCK!

hahaha, im slightly drunk again, i had to read over this thingy about 10 times to make sure its legabull

legible?

hahaha, ONE LEG OF BULL PLEASE!

I seem to be somewhat addicted to death again, silly me, but Felix is cowering in a corner pretending not to hear me, he doesnt like the sight of blood, mustnt upset the masses and use tears for vengence spells, isnt that right B!\ EXCAMATIONMARKSLASH!\!\!\!\

hahahaha, cleaned my stones tonight, i had a bad dream and it corrupted my amathyst like a giant clam SNAPSHUT GULP! haha, no teeth in that maw! now i have a headache coz i didnt notice it was bad, clean clean clean squeeky clean like Chicago stylke hotdogs BOOYAH and the cold jazz flute made of blue fire. what is hotter? red ice or blue fire? i think red fire SHOULD be hotter, but thats not an option! now be a good gorl and fetch me my bucket! i cant find my bigfoot. he ran away with my best friends wife. hes dead, they are all dead rotting like snowshes in the summertime WOOF! can you spell infinity? no coz its infinite! HAHAHAH can u spell finite? no coz its just here -> |   | <- HAHAHA clever clever said the mooskin, like a good sie, prithee betwix'd and twan thy cleft! never abandon the lone steak, hes the dealy one, of blunderbuss and crunching felt hats BRING ME MY QUIVER WOMAN! i need a sauce bin, mines full of teeth, clawing for freedom from their skulls dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig

i am of 2 minds about everything tonight, even writing this! even tho i didnt write it i typed it. hilarity thy name is Tuna McMoose!

 

i am slightly drunk again, i figure i better finish typing this before i get hit in the head with the rest of the bottle and the friend in my fridge and see through when clouds are the majority of my friends. That cloud looks like a doggy! and he's riding a cherry bomb! back in school we had dream sequences, but im far too old to remember them, but how they jumped and skipped and hopped like adjectives in english class when Mr. Ahn cried and we got Mrs. Taylor the bitch goth black not the english one where i met toby n dominic like dominion but not a great leader of the people, only the leader of the dominics and the tobys on a trampoline bunny rabbit which reminds me of candy canes and fairy floss and red sirens dressed in blue singing me again and again to my destrustion, not dominion and tying a leash to my neck and parading me past the mountain king without his ring and how he can sing like a goat for a spell of this and that and the other, pretty colours and little explosions thriugh the hose you can see it, like a doorway encased in brass being carried by the lumiere when he dances in the dark but what a juxtaposition to have a candle alive and dancing, yet dancing in the dark, off the edge of a cliff and into the beyond when dogs made of cherry soda and a canopy of intermetzos float past, catching me and talking me to the hole in your head where the bullet still rests, no exit wounds for you, you are too dense! brick and mortar are ashamed of their presence when you walk past, not like my mountain king growing trees for a beard and a hat for an eye in cartoon day-visions pretending he cannot see my knees. He's after my knees excersize yourself, excorsize yourself! with the exploding chest cavity and the fragments int he walls...Shhhh! they're in the walls! be still, don't give them your carnelians! snip snip snip goes the tractor behind the vase he drives cannot see the beginning or the end of the story within hidden by mischief it is, Loki bends in half like a paper aeroplane and soars into the grade 5 classroom beyond, the grass is always greener for the transgressions of the masses silly masses, the grass is black. My volcano stole all the colours and the villagers are upset, they curse me with their tongues and their hands and their teeth behind glass bullets. Unleash your hell humanity, its but a spec my throat! a boat made of silver on an ocean of wood traitors to the flesh! bow before your knights in glowing bedspreads where they lay for an eternity, bored in the cinema, but remembering the popcorn snakes between the covers.